I’ve always been pretty unlucky. I’m fairly clumsy, I’m accident-prone and I tend to catch whatever virus is out there. I’m used to it, I’ve learned to live with being genetically-flawed and a bit of a klutz. But this year has been the worst for me so far. I’ve been more sick than at any other time in my life, I’ve quit smoking cold turkey, I’ve loved and l’ve lost. And now, my life is on hold again – due to another illness that has not been diagnosed yet. But, I’m ok. I’m choosing optimism over self-pity – and certainly not because it’s the easiest option. Trust me, I’d rather be angry and sad and bitch about our healthcare system and the world of work and even the weather (because it shouldn’t be warm and sunny out when I’m stuck at home!). But what good would that do? I’d rather wear a smile despite the sadness inside of me. And let’s face it, I’m not in the worst of places. I’m ill but I’m not dying. I’m able to take care of myself, even if I’m a little slow at the moment. I can still see, I can taste, I can feel, I can smell, I can communicate. I can walk around. I’m happy to be able to do all of this when it could be so much worse.
But still, life stops when you’re sick – time changes all of a sudden. It doesn’t really move forward, it just stands still. It’s hard to describe for anyone who has never experienced it. Sometimes, a day feels like it has lasted forever – especially if it’s been an excrutiating experience. Sometimes, two or three days go by and you forget that you haven’t left the house at all during that time. And then, you realize that you haven’t even seen another human in days! So you start to wonder…
I’ve been at home for a week and no one has come to visit. My sister kidnapped me a couple of times and let me crash in her bed while she watched television. Just the experience of co-existence felt so good. Other than my immediate family and a couple of friends, no one else that I took for as “close friends” asked me how I was doing or if I needed any help with anything.
I’m not writing this to make anyone feel guilty or out of expectation that anyone should have contacted me. I’m writing this as a reflection – what does friendship mean? Is the idea of being there for one another through sickness and in health simply an idealistic notion because in reality, everyone is just too busy with their own lives, their own concerns and their own challenges? Are we doing our best to take care of people in our community who might not have family or friends to help them or check up on them once in a while? Is it just me who thinks that if I had a friend that I loved, who lived alone and who was sick, I’d be there in a heartbeat to read him or her a story, or do the laundry or pick up medication if needed? Isn’t that just something that we should all be doing for one another?
And then there are the types that are absolutely clueless about what it means to be sick and alone. And, they think it will never happen to them. So they build a society that isn’t accomodating, isn’t caring and isn’t inclusive. Survival of the fittest. The rat race. Some people have no idea how to feel empathy, to imagine life in another person’s shoes, to imagine that it could happen to them. And if it did happen to them, how would it feel to live within the restraints that they were once imposing on others? How would it feel to be treated as someone who is too weak to compete, too unfit to participate, too slow for the rat race? How would it feel to be left without a support system, to be one paycheck away from being homeless and then to be hit with an illness? Would the rules and the system that you’ve created today matter if your wife, your husband, your child, your mother or father or if you became ill? Would you still view them as fair and just as you did when you were healthy?
As an example for this class of people, I think of those who are strongly motivated by money, by material things, by power. People who have the opportunity to be of influence, for example, through financial means. Instead, they’re automatons. In constant pursuit of ‘something’ without taking a pause to see what’s going on around them. Without taking a moment to recognize the fact that a lot of what they seek is superficial. A lot of the friendships that we forge, the stature that we establish and the rules that we create are simply… superficial.
Would you believe me if I told you that what matters to you now can change in a heartbeat?
Would you believe me if I told you that if you were ever as sick as I have been, you’d be treated pretty poorly by the people that you thought would be kind to you?
It’s true.
There are two types of people that are generally not well-liked by friends and work colleagues: the sick and the successful.
In the workplace, as a general rule, if you are sick, you are treated with suspicion, automatically; as though all those sick days you’ve used up have been spent at theme parks, riding rollercoasters and eating cotton candy. No pity for you – you’ve been away far too much, we’re a business, we’re not humanitarians (we might not even be human; let’s refrain from expressing any emotions, shall we?). We won’t even try to be nice and ask you how you’re doing once in a while. You’re an employee, not a friend. You can and will be replaced. So if you don’t like it, find yourself another job. Oh right, you’re sick – aw, tough luck for you. But if you die, we’ll send your family a bouquet of flowers as though we cared about you while you were alive.
(Ok, not all places are like this, but a lot of them are. I’ve experienced life from both sides – the places where you’re treated as a human, when healthy and not, and the places that view you as a burden the minute you’re sick.)
Among friends, you’re no fun – you can’t attend events, you can’t go out for a martini, you’re homebound and that’s boring.
If you are successful, you are envied – plain and simple, people are jealous when you have what they don’t have: money or freedom.
So, if you don’t think that life is like that, if you don’t think that your workplace would ever treat you that way or if you don’t think that your friends would treat you differently if you were successful, wait. Wait until it does happen to you.
Because it will. We all grow old and end up alone, a lot of us will experience life with a serious and chronic illness – and some of us will experience that during our working years. Some of us might even luck out and win the lottery – becoming the sudden envy of everyone we know. At one point in our life, we will most likely be sick or we will be successful. And all of a sudden, everything we once knew will change.
If we don’t support our communities and our colleagues and our friends properly, if we don’t do what we can to bring humanity back to the way that we treat each other in any setting, whether it be work, school, within our families or our friendships, then we’re really going to suffer a lot more than we should. And it always catches up with us, no matter if we think we can avoid it. Life just happens to work that way – what goes around, comes around. We should do everything we can to ensure that we build and maintain a society that takes care of those who are ill – it’s in our own best interest to do so!
Having experienced this, it’s time for me to take the next step. When I’m healthy again, I want to volunteer my time or make one or several donations to a local organization that offers free services (homecare, healthcare, meals, etc) to people who are chronically ill. I’d also like to know if there’s an organization that delivers free healthy meals (or at least fruits and veggies) to those who need it the most. I will have to do some research but if you know of an organization that operates in Ottawa and offers those services, please let me know!
If you want to understand more about what life is like with a chronic illness, read this:
http://www.alpineguild.com/COPING%20WITH%20CHRONIC%20ILLNESS.html
Once I find what I’m looking for, I will post another article and will encourage all of you to raise funds or to volunteer your time with me.
Have you ever been seriously ill and alone? What was it like for you?
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13 Comments
Its an interesting experience. There are stages I find. You’re anxious when you think of all the things you had on your plate that aren’t getting done, then you get frustrated as you miss out on planed events that you were looking forward too, then there is a form of acceptance for the situation that your in. Depending on how sick you are it can then get really scary….if you have ever passed out while somewhere alone you know what I am talking about. You lose track of time, watching movies or bad TV even bores you at this point. You get antsy and want to participate in SOMETHING again and so on. Then there is the whole stage of getting back to your “regular” life. This is a stage that some don’t come out of very easily. The idea of putting all the responsibilities that had crept into your life slowly back on your shoulders all at once is daunting. This whole concept creates those stories you hear of those with fast passed lives falling ill and finding ‘simpler’ existences afterwords.
The “it won’t happen to me” mentality is something that everyone should take a step away from….The most prominent saying in my line of work is “it’s not a matter of if but when” and it couldn’t be more true.
~C
You’re absolutely right about going through stages and you’ve described them pretty well. I think it’s really easy to feel like you’re being forgotten, too. Life goes on, and it should, but it moves so much quicker when you’re on the sidelines. You don’t realize how much time is spent on meaningless stuff until you’re forced to be still and watch.
Yep, and you’re expected to go from being sick to being perfectly fine right away. Our way of living and working is pretty sick when you really think about it.
And then you get to that stage where you just don’t care anymore. Today, I had an ultrasound done. I’ve never experienced anything like this.. it was so procedural compared to the medical tests I’ve had in the past (which were also in a smaller city, so that might make a difference). I arrived and it was packed. There weren’t enough seats for everyone in the waiting area which broke my heart because some people, like me, were there in pain.. and most of them were old. Then, they call you in – in my case, two at a time – and get you to change in a tiny little change room. You slip on a paper robe that wears like a poncho with a paper waist band that you tie up (you keep your bra and underwear). When you’re done changing, you wait in the hallway until they call you into the room. At that point, I just didn’t care anymore. I knew that parts of me were showing and I was only thankful that there were two other women in the hallway with me, in the same situation (although they were tiny little women and the “poncho” was gigantic on them.. on me, not so much!). But who cares – after being poked and probed so often, you just let go of shyness and wait for it to be over.
Indeed, it’s not “if” but “when”. And sadly, we’re out there alone. Anyone who thinks that the social structures put in place are sufficient has obviously never been homeless or ill. And I’ve been both. As a civic exercise, everyone should try surviving on the food bank for a few weeks.
We could do so much better if we wanted to, if we weren’t so egotistical and ignorant about our own vulnerabilities and the challenges of others.
CJ above has described the stages pretty well, I agree. It really is a matter of when, rather than if, you become ill. In the case of an accident, it can happen in the blink of an eye, too.
You’ll be in my thoughts, Julie, and I hope you have a diagnosis soon.
You’re absolutely right – an accident is a great example of a way that your life can change instantly.
Thanks so much, Kenora!
You’re welcome, Julie! I was in an accident on a city bus a year and a half ago, so I know that one the hard way. (I’m as better as it gets now, no real permanent damage, but the injury sites do still ache now and again. I was off for 2 months at the time, though, and the bureaucracy was far from fun.)
Out of curiosity Kenora, did you happen to have to go on sick leave with EI or did your company have paid short-term leave? I’ve lived through the EI sick leave experience in that past – it took five weeks to get a check from them and it wasn’t enough to live on! For companies that don’t have short-term pay, I’ve always wondered why employees just didn’t start their own pool of funding. Like, what if everyone pitched in 10$ per paycheck every month into a short-term leave fund.. and then, if someone gets hurt or falls ill and need a bit of money for a couple of weeks, they could access that fund. The company doesn’t lose anything, the employee doesn’t have to worry about money, and his/her contributions help out their colleagues but also guarantee that they will have access to cash, quicky, if ever they experience bad luck. Too socialist??
Glad to hear you’re better.
I was lucky enough to have paid short-term leave with my company (still at the same place, and things are worlds better than when we met). What complicated things was the paperwork for my claim with the city – I didn’t own a car at the time, so the city of ottawa was the insurance holder against whose policy I claimed some benefits. I finally got my final settlement cheque recently and paid off some bills. What a hassle… I wish now I’d listened to the suggestions of folks who advised me to speak to a lawyer when I got hurt. Not because I would have tried to sue anyone, but so I could have known up front how things would have gone and what I could have claimed that I may not have.
I think your idea is a good one, worth discussion for sure. It might be too thoughtful for some places…
Thank you, I’m glad to be better too.
I remind myself when the injury sites ache that I could have been much, much worse off and that a few aches are not so bad. (Also, I learned the hard way never to refuse the Good Drugs. Ow.)
Heh, sounds typically bureaucratic! Oh for sure, a discussion with a lawyer is never a bad thing, especially for a situation like that. But, you learned – and others have learned from your experience, hopefully!
Haha, yeah, I always seem to bounce around from proposing new ideas and new models of business to then just realising that most of the world is just too set in their ways. It’s actually pathetic how no one is ever interested in making workplaces better places to be, especially considering that we spend so much time there!
Oh, the good drugs… I refused them when I was ill with H1N1 last year but this time, I wouldn’t be able to function without them… though I usually end up passing out.
Also, yow, the EI sick leave sounds awful! I was really lucky to have my first 5 weeks of short-term leave at full pay, and to start back half-time after (I think it was) 7 weeks.
Wow, I can’t imagine the fortune of having 5 full weeks of short-term pay! I don’t have paid short-term leave where I work right now so they’re letting me work from home for the time being.. but if and when that arrangement ends, I might have to go on leave with EI and that’s something I just don’t want to think about right now. EI is fine when you live in an inexpensive city (like Sudbury, for example). But, other than a small adjustment based on your city’s unemployment rate, the rates are not adjusted based on where you live – so for the same salary, you will get pretty much the same amount. However, in Ottawa, my rent is way much more expensive than what I paid in Sudbury. Can you imagine going on sick leave and realizing that you can’t pay your rent because the EI payments aren’t enough? I believe strongly in personal responsibility (and that’s why I always keep an emergency fund) but I also believe that rates should be adjusted dramatically based on where you live. I don’t know if the EI rates for sick leave would even cover a bachelor apartment in this city…
The reason for the five week delay with EI is this: there’s a 2 week waiting period. Plus, they need a record of employment. The company I used to work for took 3 weeks to send out my record of employment, so I didn’t see any money for 5 weeks. Thankfully, I had an emergency fund to cover my needs but I was lucky. I was reading yesterday that most American are two paychecks away from being homeless. Scary!
I know I’m fortunate – the subsequent weeks were at partial pay, and I didn’t run out of partial pay before I got back to work full-time. I did end up short a bit of pay compared to regular paycheques, but it was manageable. I wasn’t going anywhere except the chiropractor, the doctor, and the massage therapist for those weeks, so I didn’t need much.
I wish I had gotten a cleaning service, though! I couldn’t even breathe well the first week or so, since I had soft tissue damage and my ribcage had gotten wrenched pretty badly (my right shoulder was 3 inches lower than my left), so cleaning was out of the question. I couldn’t cook much, either, but microfood helped (for all it isn’t quite food in ways). I later learned that I could have had a cleaning service come in and had them bill the city, but by then it felt like it was too late.
I’m glad your employer is letting you work from home – that’s infinitely better than the EI alternative!
Hi Julie,
I’m sorry you’re going through this at the moment. Aside from health reasons (and I send you all my love and luck on that one, or as we say in meditation – “metta”), it is hugely disappointing to be “needy”, in whatever form, and to discover that all the energy and love you have poured into friendships has been partly deluded. I say that in the sense of it’s been one sided. I’ve experienced something similar myself. Not with physical illness, but with the leaving a soul destroying job (live-in), feeling down, obviously in need of a job and a new place to live. Floating, needy, low …
“Best friends” can disappoint you in either being uninterested or irritated in your burden, or can, as you say, enjoy the upper hand with one who was previously strong, successful, happy…. It hurts – a LOT. I send you a big hug on this one!!
Yes, society is greedy, selfish, and Darwin was a genius. The best part… people delude themselves into believing they are wonderful specimens. They don’t even see themselves as selfish. They excuse themselves in finding ways to hate the oppressed. It makes me sick! Then again, I’m human too, so who am I to be so pissed off with humans?
My hat goes off to you with the volunteering. If you do that with all your heart, you will surely make a difference with someone’s life. And when you do it voluntarily, you are not tied to the Social Services payroll, where your time is spread too far and checklists are too inhumae. Good luck with that. xxx
PS … Fingers crossed for those tests.
Tracey, thank you for the heartwarming comment! Ah yes, I’ve been in a situation where I’ve left a soul-destroying job but in my case, it was such a terrific choice (despite the obvious need for a job and the nervousness surrounding such a major change). Yes, it hurts big time when you suddenly discover that the friendships you’ve cultivated somehow change because of a life event. When you most need support, it’s not there. Whether it’s from work colleagues, your boss, your best friends, your family – it’s extremely shocking what you find out only after the fact. These are the types of challenges that really show us who and what matters. It’s not only negative challenges that highlight this but also positive ones. It’s amazing what people will whisper behind the backs of those that have become successful or who have opted for more freedom in their life, etc.
I will try to do the volunteering. Right now, I’m looking into donating because it’s the simplest solution at the moment. Believe it or not, I have been hunting down organizations in my city and have yet to find one that does what I’m looking for: taking care of adults with chronic illnesses or injuries or even people recovering from surgery, in the short-term (so less than three months) for home care, help with cleaning, laundry, general tasks, daily or weekly visits for companionship, telephone check-up calls and the such. I’ve found plenty of places that will help seniors but none yet that will quickly assist adults. I’m really hoping this exists because if not, we’re really in rough shape as a society!
Thanks – no results yet. I’m just really looking forward to not being in pain anymore (even though the pain killers are a blast)