Self-destruct in five, four, three…

A fairly new friend of mine came over to hang out with me last week.  It’s been incredibly difficult to be a part of life but not be able to immerse myself in it just yet.  I’m still in a world of pain and though I don’t mind wearing a smile for a few hours if it means being able to socialize, I just want to read or watch films or lay still most of the time.  That’s all.  Socializing is exhausting because the truth is, no matter how much you adore the person, there’s a little something in you that still says “do your hair, put on your bra, pretend it doesn’t hurt and just try to enjoy yourself”.  Hurting makes people uncomfortable and I can understand that.  Plus, a shy girl like me ain’t gonna be ok with looking all fugly unless we’re related or you’re an ex of mine. 

I’ve always been a terrific ‘pretend extrovert’.  It’s taken a lot of time for me to go from an unsocial introvert to someone who can handle a crowd and who often seeks to be around people.  As long as I’m not the center of attention, then it’s all good.  But, people are fascinating.  What I adore about my new pal is that we have some deep similarities and some pretty stark differences.  We both have a deep appreciation for creativity, for imagination, for ideas.  The difference?  She is for real extroverted.  Big time.  Some of the conversations I had with her that night made me think…

I live in the heart of downtown, just a block away from one of the primary party areas in the city.  I hear the creatures of the night as they run to and fro in the evenings on Fridays and Saturdays.  Their heels pounding the pavements, their slurred speeches, high pitched screams, alpha male grunts.  Their intoxicated madness and confusion, resulting in appeals from one party to the other, “But I love you, man!”, “Please, don’t go!”, “Fuck you and your friends, jerk!”.  And sometimes, laughter, innocence, beauty.  The night.  And then it all evaporates and all that’s left are little air bubbles in morning dew found on nearby leaves.  Pockets of air, pockets of words exhaled a few hours before.  You might find a “goodbye” or an “I love you” in there somewhere.. until the tree shakes it off.  Even it can’t bear the weight of everyone’s night time ripostes.

Every now and then, I miss that.  I miss these little doses of self destruction.  Because that’s what it is, most of the time.  We’re tired with a week’s worth of brain-numbing, boring work.  We’re tired of dealing with our kids or our partners and we just want to let the good times roll.  We drink, we get stoned, we shoot up, we let it all out.  And then, we fuck.  We fuck a lot and don’t look back.  Thanks for the diversion, you were just what I needed – now get the hell out of my bed.

I miss those little doses of self destruction.  If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s doing things that are edgy.  I was telling my friend that this newfound ‘soberness’ – no smoking, no drinking, not even coffee – just doesn’t feel right.  In fact, as soon as I can, I’m going to smoke a nice cigar and have a glass of wine or a shot of tequila.  Something.  Something to reconnect me with my little self destructive side.  Something to satisfy my urge to do bad things.  I’m convinced that we all have that within us.  We all have a desire to behave badly once in a while.  Whether it’s just taking a puff out of a joint or having our first one-night stand or even jaywalking on a busy street, it’s there and it won’t leave us alone until we fulfill it.  And I think we should fulfill some of our urges.  Most of us are wise enough and responsible enough to know when to stop, who to trust and when to say ‘No’.  A little bit of edge isn’t bad.  We have to do “bad” things once in a while and there are healthy ways to do them.

Thing is, seeking a bit of risk can lead to an unhealthy amount of self-destruction.  Where do you draw the line?  How do you say no to feeding that pleasure part of the brain that keeps calling your name?  Who’s to decide what’s healthy and what’s not?  Is a bit of bondage healthy?  What about snorting coke on weekends?  Having unprotected sex with someone you know might be safe… or not.

I say it’s up to us to decide for ourselves.  If we spent as much time fixing things like the healthcare system as we do on regulating, preaching, forbidding, shunning, and waging war on things like pot, then the world would be a much better place to live in.

Because the one thing I do know is that eventually, self preservation kicks in.  I miss the night.  I miss leaving my own drunken tales amongst the trees.  I miss feeling the edge.  There’s something that happens during the creation process that feels a bit like that intensity that you feel at one point when you get a bit more courageous when drunk… yeah, that feeling.  The one that makes you walk confidently towards that sexy woman that’s been looking at you all night.  That feeling that gives you the balls to walk up to her and kiss her without introducing yourself.  That.  The artist’s “high”, the layman’s “liquid courage”.  It’s no wonder that we sometimes crave moments like that.  They’re so much more exciting than the day-to-day.

But that’s the thing.  The day-to-day is what’s left, for most of us who aren’t on a perpetual path of self-destruction.  And that’s what I love the most, especially right now.  I will definitely satisfy an urge or two when I’m feeling better.  But the stuff I’ve done, the things I’ve enjoyed doing in the past, a lot of that is behind me now.  Whether it’s self preservation or just the realization that I’ve been there, done that, got the tshirt and the hat and the keychain and the mug and the poster and the model in the poster… it’s time to move on a bit.  To a new outlook, where the scale is tipping towards “good” more often than “bad”.  And my only line of thinking at the moment (since the problem I’ve having just keeps getting worse) is, “what can I do to be ‘good’ right now?  how can I boost my health?  if this is it and my best years are now gone, how can I make the best out of what I’ve got?”

By the way, I’ve started watching the first and second seasons of Breaking Bad.  If you want a classic example of the rush that people get when breaking the rules and also watch a well-written, well-directed television show, watch this!

So, where do you draw the line?  How do you take care of yourself and still seek risks once in a while?

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