As most of you know, I’ve decided to start bodybuilding this fall.  I hired Duncan Milloy to create a nutritional plan for me and to create a training program.   Since Duncan is currently training for the World Championships and since his gym is in Kanata, I decided to get Izzy to train me based on his program.  It’s a perfect match-up since she knows where my current injuries are and how we can modify the exercises on bad days.

So after looking at the nutritional plan that Duncan created, I decided to start a high-protein diet asap to get my body ready for a bodybuilding diet.  I didn’t want to start working out only to crash a few days later.

After doing some research, I decided that the Dukan diet was the best way to get the ball rolling.  A friend of mine lost a significant amount of weight on that diet and I just like the fact that, unlike the Atkins diet, it doesn’t allow you to indulge in fatty foods.  But like Atkins, it’s a low-carb, high-protein diet.  It has four phases, but I’m only doing the first two since I’ll be jumping into my bodybuilding diet shortly after (which is so similar to the second phase).

So, the first two phases are Attack and Cruise.  The first phase is meant to cause ketosis in your body.  It only allows you to eat lean proteins (mainly animal protein, but allows for vegetarian options too), fat-free dairy products (low or no sugar added) and you must eat oat bran each day and walk for 20 minutes.  It allows for little things like onions, garlic, spices, small portions of dill pickles, coffee, tea, diet sodas, etc.

I had initially planned on doing the attack phase for five days… but that was dropped down to two and a half.  Problem is, I decided to try this diet on the same day that I quit smoking (yes, again).  Imagine the fatigue!!  Dukan himself admitted that people who quit smoking should start with the Cruise phase (which allows one day of pure protein, one day of pure protein with veggies).  So that’s what I’ve done now.

But I’m happy I tried the Attack phase anyway.  Sometimes, it’s good to experience deprivation.  It’s also good to be on a strict diet because it makes it easier to say no to the things that make you fat.  Who cares if you can’t go eat with your friends or have a few drinks at the bar.  It’s only temporary.  It’s a great break.

So what was it like to only eat protein?  It wasn’t pleasant at all.  I ate extra lean ham, roasted chicken, crab sticks, sardines, smoked salmon, sashimi, baked fish, fillet mignon, greek yogurt (plain!), and so many eggs and egg whites.  You get instantly bored and extremely tired.  When I added vegetables for dinner tonight, I felt a surge of energy.  It felt so, so good.

I think I’ll have no problem carrying on the second phase, if only for a month before I transition to the bodybuilding diet.  I’ve also decided to have a couple of tiny squares of 99% dark chocolate since there’s pretty much no fat or sugar in it and it allows me to stay away from sweets.  Either that, or sometimes, I suck on one red grape.  Feels good and keeps me on the diet.

And tonight?  I made kale chips.  HEAVEN.  Why would anyone eat regular chips after tasting that?

Anyway, my hope is that I lose a ton of weight.  I’ve already lost several pounds.  I don’t care if it’s water weight or loss of fat.  It felt good to put on my jeans this morning and having them feel much looser than usual. 

I’m not a Machead.  In fact, I had sworn to never own an Apple product, mostly because I felt that that Apple products were too proprietary.  In my youth, I enjoyed taking computers apart and replacing their parts and buying the best hardware I could find.  But with a Mac, I couldn’t do that.  So I became a PC girl and stuck with it.

When the iPad came out, I ridiculed it.  First, the name was absurd.  Second, I thought ‘but it’s just a giant iPhone’!  There’s nothing special about that.

And then one day, late last year, I realized that I was spending far too much time at my desk, in my chair and that my back was suffering big time because of it.  I tried working on my laptop on the sofa or in bed and that worked for a while but it was too bulky.  I wished for something much more practical, more easy to use when I wanted to change positions.

And then it made sense: I needed a tablet.  I spent a week or two researching the options out there and it was so evidently clear that the iPad was the best one out there.  I sampled it at the Apple store and then finally bought myself one.

I LOVE the iPad.  To me, it’s the greatest invention I’ve seen since computers became mainstream.  It’s a nearly perfect product – it would likely become perfect if I bought an external keyboard for it but it’s not a huge priority.

I’m saying this because it takes a brilliant group of people to create products that are this good.  And those people need a great leader to push them to be great and to discourage apathy or mediocrity.  I’ve been a part of software design teams for a while now and I can tell you that without the proper leadership, most software (and hardware) ends up sucking big time.  And I’ve unfortunately been a part of that much too often.  How terrible it is to watch people implement an idea in such a bad, bad way.  Too many companies have this desire of just getting the product out instead of spending more time and resources to making it a great product.  It’s always about the quick buck without looking at the long-term picture (mostly because most CEOs aren’t in business because of their passion for the product – they’re in it for the potential of becoming rich).  And I don’t buy the mantra that it’s best to release a substandard product into the wild in order to be first to market.  Apple isn’t a great company because it gets its innovative products out first; it is great because it releases amazing products out first.  Look at how RIM responded to the iPhone by releasing the Storm.  What a horrible product that was!

So why was Steve Jobs a great man?  Because he was a dreamer who made his dreams happen.  He had a vision and he pushed that vision forward.  He was even fired by the company he created at one point and instead of being bitter, instead of giving up, he learned from it.

I often hear the term “serial entrepreneur” to describe CEOs that jump from corporation to corporation.  These people aren’t innovators.  These people are just businessmen and women.  Steve Jobs was more than just a businessman.  Yes, he amassed a great deal of wealth and anyone who argues that he doesn’t deserve our attention and respect because he was a rich corporate guy completely misses the point.  His wealth, his corporate empire is just a side effect of his passion.

The passion that we find in great leaders like Jobs is as deep and powerful as the passion found within great artists or great writers or great scientists.  The world needs people that can inspire others.  The world needs people to say no to conformity and to bring forward new ideas, despite how painful it is to do so.  The world needs tools that enable people to communicate, organize and express themselves quickly and efficiently.  The world needs beauty.   And the world needs dreamers, dreamers who are excited about possibility and who, like Jobs, may drop out of college to discover the things that interest them the most.  Because sometimes, a fire burns inside of you and it hurts more to try to extinguish it than to take the risk and make it burn brighter.

And that’s why I tip my hat to Steve Jobs.  And I mourn the death of a man who has inspired me to remember about the things that matter, the things that inspire me, and the things that fuel my imagination and my curiosity.  Jobs was right, life is short, and when you remember that, fear of failure and all of the things that stop you from doing what you love don’t matter any more.

You just do what you love, like he did.

Well hello there, blog!  It’s been a while but that’s because I’ve been busy crossing things off my bucket list.  I’ve learned that the 101 in 1001 days list doesn’t work for me – instead, I’m starting to be a bit more impulsive.. changing things up here and there, trying new things.

So, in the last week, I’ve managed to try out two items.  The first one is something that I’ve always wanted to do.  I’ve been enamored with black culture since I was a kid when I first heard Martin Luther King’s speech on an Encyclopedia CD (back in the day when the Internet didn’t exist).  From there, I started discovering things like reggae, breakdancing, the civil rights movement, the blues, rap music, etc.  In my early adulthood, I accomplished the dream of finally going to see some authentic live blues music in Fort Worth, Texas.  But I had always wanted cornrows.  It’s a traditional African hairstyle – something you’d never have seen where I grew up.  I’ve always found it tremendously beautiful but never had a chance to get it done.  And then, last week, I realized that this is something I can finally do!  There are plenty of black salons in the city so I figured I’d find the closest one and see if they could do it for me.

Sure enough, there’s a tiny Congolese hair salon right near my workplace.  They spoke French, not a word of English, so I found that to be a nice little bonus since French is my mother tongue.  After discussing the idea with the hairdresser, we booked an appointment.  I settled on a diagonal pattern at the top and just regular cornrows for the rest.  It took about three hours and sometimes, my hairdresser would break into Congolese song in her mother tongue.  It was a fantastic experience – we mused about the Quebecois, Congolese politics, the differences between our race and culture (she called me “blanche”) and our ambitions in life.  I met her brothers, her nieces, her nephew.  You’d never really see that in a typical salon.  This was a family affair.  I love small shops like that…it made me miss home.

When it was finally done, she gave me a hairnet/scarf to cover my hair while I sleep and shower and just parted with this single advice: “don’t get them wet!”.   Since I’m white, they won’t last that long.. maybe two weeks.  But I love them!  And I told her that I’ll be back but that next time, we’ll try extensions. 

Wheeeeee!

And then…

Firing the .308 rifle.

I decided to contact a guy I met at a film industry gathering.  He owns a company that supplies Airsoft weapons for film and tv shows.  Anyway, we had a good talk that night about target shooting and how I have always wanted to try out firing real guns.  Sure enough, he made it happen!  So, last Sunday, a friend and I headed out to the gun range to meet my new friend and some of his pals.  They taught us a bit about weapon safety and how to hold a rifle properly.  We started out firing a .22, but even after telling them that I had no interest in trying out bigger guns, they convinced me to try different rifles – like the Russian military gun, the SKS and then, the amazing .308 rifle.  All in all, it was AWESOME!  I loved the mental aspect of aiming for a target while fighting my fear of the noise and recoil.

I went from being a complete sissy when it came to guns to feeling like I could do it – that the noise wasn’t scary anymore and the fear of recoil just disappeared.  I wanted to hit the target and that became my obsession in the end. To be able to control the gun, control my breathing and nevermind the rest.

My ears were ringing after firing the SKS!

Because it’s not always the gun you’re shooting that’s scary – it’s the guys shooting these super loud weapons next to you that will scare you half to death!

I’ll definitely be back.  I’ve decided that I’d love to hunt small game, especially grouse! And what a great exercise in focus.  Despite what some people would perceive as “violence”, there’s a very zen-like quality to shooting a firearm.  The only other time I’ve felt that is during photoshoots.  The two kind of go hand-in-hand as I discovered a while back that a few filmmakers go to the range to practice their shooting so they can focus more when they practice their craft.

And just a final note on the range: my friend and I were the only women shooting guns that day.  Personally, I think that women should try out this sport (or hobby).  I find that my female friends are pretty divided over this but I figure that if you’ve got a fear of guns and it’s stopping you from exploring things like hunting or target shooting, it’s possible to beat that fear and become more confident with the idea of handling and discharging a firearm.  Just find the right people to go shooting with and everything will be ok – and I bet you’ll have a blast like I did!

So there you have it.  What will I try out next?

So, my 101 in 1001 list is pretty much dead.  I think the problem is that my priorities in life have changed dramatically.  And they’ll continue to change.  Even things that I was curious about back when I created that list are now no longer curiosities.

My mother posted a status update on Facebook the other day saying that she was starting to cross things off her bucket list.  I didn’t even know she had one.  I was surprised and happy to learn this.  At one point, I was worried that my parents wouldn’t continue to explore things.  That they would just age comfortably like so many other people I know.

When I was a kid, I don’t think they understood my curious urges.  I was all over the place… wanted to try this and that and didn’t care much for “danger” nor for fitting in boxes.  So they tried to protect me a little too much.  Natural reaction to trying to raise a kid who’s a little over the top.  But now, I think they’ve started appreciating the beauty of trying new things, taking plunges, accomplishing things they never thought they’d tackle.

So that’s inspired me to do a bit of my own adventuring.  In a week and a half from now, I’m going to a gun range to shoot some real guns.  I’m beyond excited – it’s something I’ve always wanted to do!  My dad and I used to shoot his air gun a while back and I was almost always on target.  It gave me an urge to continue shooting.  I find it brings me the same kind of zen experience as shooting with a camera.. except the target, the subject, is smaller so focusing is more intense.

And then?  More snowshoeing this winter.  I found a buddy to go explore the local forests, maybe I’ll even rent a cabin this winter and enjoy that.

I don’t know.  I have this urge.

(I think I want to learn carpentry, too.  You know, the basics.  Building things!)

I was starting to feel a bit guilty about slacking off a bit from my side business but now, I have no regrets.  I’m enjoying taking a break.  It’s almost autumn.  Autumn is a time for self-reflection.  And as they say, life is indeed short.  I’d rather try new things than get stuck in a habit where living is replaced with merely existing.

Happy September, everyone.

I have been debating writing this blog post because to be honest, I feel pretty embarrassed to say that I deal with chronic pain on a regular basis.  I don’t like being limited, especially physically.  So I suffer quietly, I wear the smile as best as I can and I mentally push myself to be “normal”.

And that’s what it all comes down to: being ‘normal’.  That’s what we all want, right?  We just want to be able to as active as possible, whether it be working out or attending social events or being able to go into work each day without a problem.  And the minute you tell people you’re in pain, you’re suddenly admitting that you’re somehow, inferior.  Or maybe not, but that’s what it feels like.

The latest hunch from a specialist I saw is that I may have fibromyalgia.  I have been waiting months to see another specialist to have this confirmed.  If you’re not familiar with this, it involves a whole lot of symptoms but the main one is pain – pain in the connective tissues and muscular pain.  The best way that I can describe it is to pretend that you’re inactive and then suddenly, you go through a really really intense workout.  You know that feeling when you’ve worked out way too hard and then you’re so sore that you feel like you can’t move?  Yeah, that’s pretty much what it feels like… except, all the time.  In my case, there are some points in my body that are worse than others and the good news is that a lot of the time, it’s pretty manageable because the overall pain goes away and I can just carry on like a ‘normal’ person.  But there are times like right now, where it gets really bad.  And the worse the pain, the more I want to sleep.

Pain numbs your mind.  It’s exhausting to deal with and it’s exhausting to pretend it isn’t there.

Which brings me to the point of this post: what’s the art to managing pain?  One of the major failures of our health care system is that no one teaches you how to manage severe pain.  They prescribe you narcotics, tell you to ‘take it easy’, but there’s hardly anyone out there who will teach you how to manage real life while you’re going through this.  So, I find myself taking pain killers at night, passing out on the sofa, getting two to three hours of sleep, wandering around, sleeping a bit more and then being completely useless during the day.  I am absolutely lucky to have a workplace with a very flexible work environment – I can stay at home, take a nap and get my work done.  If it weren’t for this, I don’t know what I would do.  How would someone be able to keep a job if they didn’t have this flexibility?

I suppose I’m writing because I don’t know the art of dealing with this.  I don’t know because it’s only been around for about a year and everything has been trial and error.  What I do know is that a lot of it is mental.  I can either let myself succumb to it or I can push through.  Or do both.

Most of the time, I’m in denial – I prefer to think that nothing’s wrong and then I end up making matters worse.  “Slow down, get some sleep.”, I hear this over and over again from my physiotherapist.  Maybe it’s time to listen to someone other than myself for a change.  Slowing down, what a concept.

Please let me know if you have any tips – I’m open to feedback or to hearing your stories about how you deal with pain!

I need a break from work stuff right now because my mind is wandering off to a post I wrote a while back about getting things right once and for all.  At the time, it meant eating right and getting back in shape.  And then, things took a turn in my life and spiraled downwards for a while.  And I know exactly what went wrong: I hadn’t established a good foundation to be able to achieve my goals without letting personal things get in the way.

If there are a few things that I’ve learned from my experience in business, it’s that you can’t accomplish everything in one day.  You can’t and will not be able to produce miracles if you try to tackle a huge to-do list or if you try to change all of your focus at once.  I can’t be a new “Jules” overnight.  But something has to be done.  My biggest failure has been my dependence on the word “tomorrow”, as though “today” was never good enough for a fresh start.

“I’ll do it tomorrow”.   No, you won’t.  There are always tomorrows.

My mental to-do list usually has about 20 to 30 items in it on a daily basis.  So, I usually start off my day pretty well and then, I end up getting too tired to get shit done.  The list gets bigger and eventually things pile up and never get any attention from me.

I’ve been reading on organization and one of the things that seems to work is to take your to-do list down to just a few items per day.  In my case, I’m taking it down from 20 to 3.  That’s it.  Just three items per day.  And the rest?  It’ll be spread out during the week.  Except for Saturday.  Saturday is fun day.

So what’s on the list?  Anything from cleaning out closets to ordering ink for my printer.  It’s not about me – it’s not about nutrition or exercise, it’s about establishing habits.  Like it or not, some habits are really good for growth and to be able to focus on other things that need my attention – like eating right and working out.  I don’t like being tied down, I hate the idea of being “straight and narrow” (even if that’s just a misconception) but I think it’s fair to find some balance so that life doesn’t get all out of whack again.

There are a lot of things that I want to do in life.  If I can get rid of the clutter and establish some good routines, I’ll be in a great position to do whatever I want to do.

And after a few weeks of working with a simplified to-do list, I’ll make more modifications.  I’ll share them with you then!

“I am the strongest person I know.”  I believe this most of the time.  I don’t mean physical strength.  I mean my bullet proof vest, my brick wall, my barbed wire.  Baby, you ain’t getting through this and if you do, you’ll never know – I’ll never tell you and you won’t have a clue.

It’s what happens after years of loving and losing and loving some more.  We suffer very quietly.  Never believe someone who tells you that they never suffer.  Everyone does.  Never believe someone who says they’ve moved on from love.  Everyone loves.  We’re full of pretends.

“If I was prettier…”  I believe this a lot of the time.  “…then maybe I’d have a chance.  But because I am not, I am strong instead.” And I know the opposite too – an ex-model friend of mine told me the other day that she was tired of being beautiful.  She was starting to believe that it’s all she had to offer to the world.  Beauty: we want it, and when we have it, it’s a curse.

A friend of mine, Nadine Thornhill, wrote this post about feeling ugly.  I remember it because I remember nodding along to her thoughts on beauty…

“My moral/ethical compass tells me that beauty is subjective and heavily influenced by the personality and preferences of both the beholder and the one who is beheld.
I know beauty isn’t determined by age, race, size, gender or any of that stuff…or rather it is, but none of those attributes are necessary barriers to being beautiful.  I don’t think beauty should ever be a conditions of decent treatment at the hands of one’s fellow human beings. Beneath that knowledge, that understanding, those beliefs, is a whole pot of shit. that I don’t know how to get rid of.  It feels too big, too deeply ingrained.  Instead, I clamp a lid on it, do my best to ignore it.”

My pot of shit prevents me from noticing real affection.  Because, my pot of shit is full of doubt that anyone could ever be attracted to me.  So I gravitate to situations where I know that the affection won’t be real or I just expect all affection in general to not be real. I will never know if a woman is attracted to me unless she blatantly spells it out for me – otherwise, I instantly assume ALL of my interactions are platonic.  In a way, this is probably the safest way to be.  On the other hand, I have lost potential lovers who, much later on, told me that they dropped every hint in the book to tell me that they wanted ‘more’… but they never said so.  Hints.  Hints?!?!  Why didn’t they just say so???  I am too strong for hints.  Nothing is real and I am oblivious to exceptions.

Instead, I am the damn good friend.  I expect that’s all people ever want from me (though, to clarify, I don’t blindly offer my friendship to anyone).  Maybe that’s why I’m so good at being the caretaker – I will never let you fall, I will hold you, I will pay for your dinner when times are tough.  You can depend on me to be there for you.

And that’s how I go through life.

“I just love you as a friend.”

“Bullshit.  I think.. I think you’re lying to me?”

“Yeah.  I love you.  For real.  Julie?  How did you know?”

“I don’t know… I never know.  I let you pretend, all this time and now I’ve lost you.”

She should have said something.

I should have said something.

I am not the strongest person I know.